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Alison13

Get Off My Cloud..

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I keep hearing the song by the Rolling stones; 'Hey you get off a my cloud'. It seems to fit with my mood. Despite the withdrawals I have been on a pink cloud; yet coming to the end of my second week, I feel as if I have come down to earth. Pink clouding is that early euphoria that a friend in AA talk about, that gives way to the reality that this is a real life style change.

Other people and emotions seem to be crowding in on me at the moment and I am just plodding along. This is the plod of it all. The keeping going after the initial excitement, but no big 'reveal' and no one has noticed. I want people to notice that something is different about me and I quite like the idea of not being invisible to a man I have a bit of a crush on. I am not doing this for him, I am doing it for health and because I was frightening myself with being breathless, achy and unfit...but it would be lovely to have someone register the difference in me.

On Sunday I am going out for lunch and I will eat meat and vegetables. I will watch others freely eat potatoes and Yorkshire puddings and ice cream. Yesterday someone was grunting whilst they were eating a samosa and someone else was licking pastie crumbs from their fingers. This turned me into a food pervert. Demanding that they describe the hot fatty carbohydrate. They kindly said they must start a diet soon as the licked a bit of salty crumb of their chin. Someone left work and bought chocolate and the, 'I will start on Monday', colleague began snaffling it like a truffling pig. I smiled and said 'enjoy and have one for me'. I knew I wouldn't have one and I wasn't hungry but I missed that slightly hedonistic me that would have taken them and devoured them, one after the other. It also felt good when a colleague bought in some donuts and I didn't have one. I am usually the first but I wasn't this week and no one pressed me to indulge. In our working environment we all have an interesting relationship with food.

I tend to divert into work and eat food to manage the stress of work. Its my balm when I get home from a very very long day. I am not hungry in a physical sense but I am mouth hungry and seem to be looking back wistfully at the things I have let go. Not just food but I seem to be revisiting loss and mistakes I have made.

The good things is I have more energy. My body feels different. Lighter somehow but I daren't weight myself as this could compound my mood. I am sleeping very well and waking refreshed and naturally at 6am. I am preparing food and that gives me a sense of wellbeing. I have turned up the volume on other ways to please myself - I bought some funky shoes and they fitted - so I bought another pair. i bought some spices to make some tasty curries. I am adding a crunch to my food to enjoy texture which I miss.

Hey..one more thing - I sometimes get confused about true hunger versus emotional hunger. I read that emotional hunger comes on quickly and sometimes after eating. Real hunger slowly. Emotional hunger is above the neck with wanting something specific. It isn't satisfying. Real hunger is in the stomach. True hunger is unmistakable.

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know" Pema Chodrun.

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  1. Bronn's Avatar
    Alison - very well done on resisting the sweet stuff that offices seem to subsist on!

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling lighter somehow - I think Iíve lost around five pounds over the past month, not enough for anyone to notice either BUT I have a distinct feeling of lightness or rather it feels as if Iíve shrunk a bit and that thereís air where I used to be - very weird!

    Keep going, it really will make a difference and one day everyone will suddenly realise youíve changed.
  2. Christelle's Avatar
    Alison, they will notice. Just keep going!
  3. roseymary's Avatar
    Alison as a recovering alcoholic well versed in what you described is all I can say is keep going and notice the changes yourself and have a happy dance when you do.
    Celebrate with a fist punch in the air at the end of each completed DAY and give yourself a pat on the back and notice one day how much further you can reach.
    Notice how your clothes are beginning to feel.
    Keep on feeling good when you don't eat that sugary poison and feel sorry for that person who's going to start losing weight on Monday - you're already streets ahead of her.
    Others will notice when you drop a dress size and come in lovely new slim fitting clothes is the mean time do the noticing yourself and blow your own trumpet.

    So very well done on making the decision to change your health and lose weight.

    Re real vesus mental hunger - yes it's a pain, I can eat a large meal and a little while later "fancy something" especially at night which is when Imfind a nice up of decaf coffee works wonders.
  4. Alison13's Avatar
    Thanks so much Bronn, Christelle and Roseymary. The lightness is an odd thing. Maybe its about moving forward or at least moving or doing something different. Oddly I have just ordered some decaff as a treat (Rock n Roll...lol). You comments were lovely to find this morning.
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