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Thread: That 'bloody hell' moment

  1. #1
    Club Plus Member Hevra's Avatar
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    Default That 'bloody hell' moment

    I got on the scales at my inlaws this morning after not weighing myself for some time and nearly cried .

    For some background I used to weigh 11st when I was fit and in my 20s, then 12st until I had my accident nearly 4 years ago.

    I gained weight on the huge amount of drugs I was taking, lost a bit once I moved to Cornwall and ditched most of the meds (had to stay on the one that causes weight gain). Then in August I moved to the Frozen North, beyond the wall (Aberdeen) and started the rigmarole of getting through yet another NHS assault course to see a pain clinic.

    I have lovely doctors up here who immediately (well, after 4 months because NHS) started trying me on meds I hadn't used before to see if anything would help. Unfortunately they all added to my weight issues. I tried mirtazepine, carbamezapine and am currently trialling Nabilone, an anti emetic drug normally given to cancer patients. It's a controlled drug (cannabinoid) and apparently very expensive for the NHS so I was surprised they let me try it but anmoyingly it doesn't seem to help. In fact, all the drugs I tried just made the pain worse, so I came off them all again.

    Since my accident though, I gained 15kg. My 'bloody hell' moment was when I weighed myself yesterday and realised that I weigh the same as my dad, who is 6'4" :<

    I weigh 16st 8lbs/105kg

    So, some of this is drugs related or started off that way. But since moving to Aberdeen I have developed into a binge eater par excellence. I have always enjoyed bad things especially chocolates and biscuits but I'm really ashamed of the habits I developed. It's been worse since I got my car, before my natural laziness protected me from buying bad things because I couldn't be bothered with the 3 or 4 miles round trip on foot to the local shop but now I'm mobile I don't have that natural stop on behaviour. I have regularly gone to the shop and got multiple packs of Cadbury tiffin bars, chocolate fingers, diet coke, etc. and woofed the lot before my other half gets home. I'm not making myself sick or anything, just binging.

    I think the binging was a response to moving all the way up here, where I don't know anyone (apart from OH) and he's not exactly a social butterfly. He despises Aberdeen but is a bit trapped as he works in the oil industry.

    I enrolled on a part time masters degree in Museum Studies to give myself something to do, which I'm sort of enjoying although I'm massively behind right now due to all this messing about with my drugs. I had 3 weeks on carbamezapine where all I could do was lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself due to the extra pain they caused, so that was all 'lost time'. My uni are aware though and giving me extensions, though.

    Above all though I am so very very tired and exhausted with pain. As of today I have spent the last 1391 days in pain, in the 7 to 10/10 range (I don keep track of the days by the way, just looked it up for dramatic effect ^^).

    Anyway. I haven't binged for a week, so hopefully I can stay that way, as I said, it's not something I'd ever done like that before. I'm not sure w what this rambling wall of text was supposed to be for but I feel better for splurging. I am always much more of a forum lurker than regular poster but recently it's been more from shame than anything else.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me get all that off my chest

  2. #2
    Super Member Christelle's Avatar
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    Hevra, I know it is no consolation but I have been heavier than my dad for years.
    He died 3 years ago weighing +/- 64kg and I was pulling the scales at 123kg when I started THD in 2016 and only from this year have I been lighter than OH.

    I am not sure what to say to you. I think you have been dealt a very bad deck of cards and I admire / have admired your spirit coping with this loss. I am certain that the eating has become your crutch - please listen to the 3 interviews Zoe did with Dr. Robert Cywes. He goes into how to change your binge and remove the emotion and to fill the void with positive things.

    If you feel better by posting, than I am happy for you. Please keep on posting - even (especially) when things go wrong. We are here to help and you are never alone, your friends on the forum is always available, all you have to do is log on...
    Trust the process, the results will come

  3. #3
    Super Member roseymary's Avatar
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    We all know self medication with junk and booze doesn't really help but it does at the time. You've had such a lot change in your life in the past year and you're under huge stress with that and your medical issues.
    Keeping a blog is a powerful weapon in overcoming binges. I know without Witterers world I'd have regained a lot of weight. Being an active part of a group is a huge help so as Christelle said keep coming back every day.
    We're here to support you as best we can.
    Rosemary

  4. #4
    Super Member justsara's Avatar
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    Sending you love, H. I'm doing a part-time Masters and even without pain it's proving bloody hard.

    The fact that OH is still working in the oil industry is a miracle in itself, given what has happened in Aberdeen in the last two years.

    I can introduce you to my MiL, who lives in Aberdeen, and you will never be lonely again! She has the most ridiculously high energy levels and adores meeting new people.

    When things happen in our bodies, sometimes we have to accept that we are doing the best we can, even if it doesn't feel great. My appendix repercussions mean that some days the best I can do is hold on, so that's all I do. And I understand what it is like to move to a new place and feel isolated - my social highlight this month was a funeral! You are doing the best you can. The binges are an attempt to fill a hole that will never be filled by food.

    And from my research over the weekend: it used to be thought that social isolation was a cause of depression and health issues - but actually it is the feeling of loneliness, and the actual level of isolation is irrelevant. This means that while it would be great to make local friends and get involved in what you can, your feelings can change without the situation changing. And we're here for you, all around the world. xxx
    Find what works for your body. Don't cheat yourself too often or too much.

  5. #5
    Super Member Gilli's Avatar
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    + 1 for what Christelle & Rosemary have said. You are always welcome to lurk, but if you post we can offer support if you find that helpful. There is no reason to feel ashamed, or to let the feeling of shame stop you posting. A number is just a number and feeling well is more important. What better incentive to eat well could anyone need than knowing that it leads to feeling less unwell?

    A friend of mine with serious pain issues swears by acupuncture. I cannot remember if you have already tried it, but if you have not it might be worth giving it a whirl to see if it helps. Also, have you tried a TENS machine?
    Gilli - DLTBGYD

  6. #6
    Club Member grumbleweed's Avatar
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    I really believe that talking or writing about your problems is a valuable first step. You're not holding it in anymore. It's public, and allows whoever reads or listens to offer support. And the support is here. Please don't be ashamed of your human failings...we've all been there...and you've had so much to cope with. Grabbing whatever comfort there is in food is the most basic of reactions. Now you need to find things to replace the food...starting with REAL food. Then the cravings will slowly lose their control. Keep posting here...it can help immensely.
    Dear Stomach,you are bored,not hungry. So shut up.

  7. #7
    Super Member Mamie's Avatar
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    Wow, what a huge amount of change you’re living through. No wonder you’ve gone s bit astray.
    You’ve had some wonderful advice from the others and i’ve not much to add other than that they’ll always be someone here for you. I’m sure if good wishes were a cure you’d be better already.
    Keep in touch.

  8. #8
    Super Member roseymary's Avatar
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    And if you do blog you can make the default privacy club members only so you can really unburden yourself. To me this forum is equivalent to food addicts anonymous.
    Rosemary

  9. #9
    Club Plus Member hejoba's Avatar
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    Hi Hevra - lots of amazing advice & comments here. I'll second the suggestion to try acupuncture if you haven't already. My sciatica saga is nothing like your ongoing issues but when it was at its worst and I couldn't sleep, sit, stand or lie down without pain, it was only acupuncture (and a hot tub) that helped. If you can find a true TCM practitioner (not a spa acupuncturist) I would definitely give it a try.

    So you completed your archaeology studies and started a masters?! It wouldn't be with Leicester, would it? I know they do a DL museum studies course. I'm on year 2 of their DL archaeology BA and loving it (when I'm not stressed and panicked due to deadlines, obviously).

    Do come join us on the blogs I have mine with the privacy setting RM mentioned and it's a great place to journal
    Starting again. again.

  10. #10
    Super Member PerryPoole's Avatar
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    Hi Hevra! Long time, no see... so I'm glad to hear that you are still up north although so sorry to read about your constant pain.

    I don't know what to say, except that a healthy diet (minimal sugar, etc) can only help, whether it's through the lost weight or your body thanking you for loving it. We're here to support you when the going gets tough!

    xx

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